The Desires of my heart
Issue # 131 on COB on Microsoft Live
Created September 19, 2011
I am officially on an emotional rollercoaster. I have needed all week for someone to tell me to get over myself! You guys know I have no problems being honest with you and this time is no different. I am jealous as heck and envious as all get out. How can someone professing Christ get the life that I want while going about it a totally different, and not the way God would have it, way?
I have asked myself this all week. It seems like God is rewarding them for living in sin. I know that when you make someone elses bed and lie in it that you can't be surprised when you get what they got and it ain't what you want. But at the same time I am trying to fight back my humanity. I thought for sure that by now I would be married. I can't have children but there are a multitude of options out there. I'm smart, beautiful, educated, sucessfull, I do right by my family.......wait.....I......am I starting to sound like JOB?!
Job sat there and defended himself to God and the entire universe and ended up sounding like a fool. I have learned in life that you need only defend your self when you are being attacked. God is not attacking me. He is preparing me. I am a clay pot. He made me and I was perfect. But I sat outside to long...got cracked, kicked, moved repeatedly and scratched up. I looked pretty rough for a while. And now God is taking the time to break me into pieces, melt me back down and remake me.
Pslams 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." It seems as though I am asking too much, to have the desires of my heart, because I haven't recieved all of them yet. But I am not. God has heard my wants but in order for me to be ready for them, He has to work on my needs. My eyes need to be focused on Him and no one else. As I walk, He reveals to me the type of person he wants for me, and my final destination is right in front of the person He has prepared for me.
I am not going to give into the lonliness any more. I am not going to harbor the jealousy and envy any longer. They need to leave. In thier place is patience and hope. I trust God to make me the perfect mate, by making me the perfect me.